Wednesday, July 27, 2011

What the F*$@&

Have you ever found yourself wondering "I wonder what kind of crib bedding Jessica Roberts likes..."? No? Well f*$@% you and you should start wondering!

If you're wondering now, here is your answer.

How precious is this pink room from BabyBedding.com! Without the weird balls all over the damn place.



That bedding is about $300. WHY. And this bedding for a boy is at the same place for $400!



I'm not even gonna post what I liked that was $500 on more. This is insane.

Notes to self, this oversized picture of adorable bedding is on clearance at Pottery Barn for $164 (YEAAAH!!)... but it will not last 6 weeks until I find out the sex.. so fail.



And this is at Polkadotpeacock.com for 400 #&(!^# dollars:

10 week update

Baby Roberts again! (click to enlarge)



Today I had my physical at Naval. I got seen a lot quicker than last time, about 25 minutes. My appointment was with a nurse named Ms. Summerland and she was AHHHHmazing, just like everyone said she would be! I got to skip a pap smear because I brought my records of having one with normal results 5 months ago, score. My blood work from last week's lab came back fine, my pee came back fine, my pelvic exam and breast exam came back fine, everything looks good! Woohoo! She mentioned she could feel my ovaries whatever that means.

We looked for the baby's heartbeat on a doppler and couldn't find it, so she went and got an ultrasound machine. In the meantime I was totally applauding Baby Roberts for hiding, because I knew everything was fine and he was doing it so that mom could get an extra ultrasound. Baby Roberts is a sneak, and that is awesome.

The ultrasound machine wasn't as fancy as last week's, and you can certainly tell by the picture that it's not as good, but that's okay. She let me watch for at least 5 minutes and he was moving everywhere, which was so neat! A lot more than last week. He totally had a temper tantrum and was kicking his legs all over the place and punching nothing. This is going to be an active baby! She mentioned that he has long legs, I don't know if they will slow down or if he will be tall, because neither of us are tall but Matt has a very tall dad. Should be interesting to find out!

Heartbeat is at 160 today and everything is looking good! Soon I will be able to feel all the kicks and punches and I am excited!

The only thing I need to be focusing on is staying hydrated and packing on pounds. I weigh in at 113, so I've lost 3 pounds since homecoming three months ago. Uhhh ohhhh. But I'm eating!! I don't know what it is. The answer is obviously more Big Macs. I will rationalize my Big Macs with this.

That is all!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Heartbeat!

Today my friend Rachael gave me her fetal doppler and a big ol bottle of gel to borrow for the next week, and it was SO FREAKIN EXCITING! At the ultrasound we only got to hear the heartbeat for all of ten seconds before it was over, aaaand I just listened to it for probably 15 minutes straight. Here's a video! (I don't know how to embed the video straight here, sorry).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIRuEvOPs04

Ahh the simple things like heartbeats :)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I have a problem

Welcome to my addiction:









This is an issue. Here is why this is an issue.



Yes that is $122 on onesies with pomeranians on them. Poor Matt.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Yep, there's a baby!

Without further ado, baby Roberts!






There he is in all his glory (and I felt really strongly as soon as I saw him that it was a he, but it's way too soon to tell). Heartbeat is 167, the ultrasound tech said it was very strong and it was LOUD! Don't know if that's the machine or him just blowing out the speakers but it was loud. And he wiggled! His arms and legs were moving around, and he turned around at one point! He is mearing at 2.25 centimeters, which is basically an inch long. I am measuring at 8 weeks 6 days, which is 3 days behind what I was going by.

Now that all the fun stuff is out of the way, here's my first experience at Naval and some advice for people who have not been yet. My appointment was at 9:30 and I was told to get there at 9, which I did. I wore yoga pants and a tank top with a jacket, which I totally reccommend doing because 1) it's comfortable and 2) it's freezing. I filled out my big new medical chart, and proceeded to wait. And wait. And wait. At 10:30 we decided we were going to ask the nurse to check and make sure something wasn't wrong, and as soon as Matt got up my name was called. Woop!

We went into the ultrasound room which was dark and classical music was playing. I was told to lay down and lift up my shirt and get ready for the goo. What I did not know was going to happen was that I'd have to pull my pants so far down my V was practically hanging out. So tip number two is to SHAVE! Luckily I did.

As soon as she put the thingy (I don't know these things and I won't pretend to) on me there it was on the screen. I asked if I could record it with my cell phone and was told I couldn't, sorry family. First thing I did was ask if there was just one, and the answer was yes. The next thing Matt did was hassle the lady if she was sure, and the answer was yes. Then we watched him wiggle which was so exciting! He was moving around, moving his legs, and turning his whole body.

I asked where my placenta was located because I've heard if it's in the front, you feel less of the baby's movements since it acts as a barrier of sorts. Lucky for me mine's in the back! Soon I'll be feeling everything.

We listened to the heartbeat and the ultrasound tech said it was super strong, and 167. I asked about the old wives tale about the heart beat determining sex (it's said that high heartbeats are signs of a girl), and she said that at my stage every baby has a high heart beat so I'm not ready to judge that. I'm still judging though.

Two whole things Matt said during the ultrasound: 1) So there's just one right? and 2) It has two arms and two legs right?. The man doesn't say much, but when he does it's legitimate I suppose. I on the other hand was constantly blabbering "Look at it!" and "Oh my gosh!" and "This is so weird!" through the whole thing. I asked Matt his thoughts on two occassions, and both times I got "I'm so glad there's just one", so let's celebrate that there's just ONE!!!!!!

After the ultrasound we got four pictures, a congratulations, and a move to the next office where I ate a lot of mints. No reason for that. Matt's counting arms and legs in pictures and asking strangers if they're sure there's just one. Just kidding. We got what I call a welcome packet, which was filled with pamphlets and other things. Then we made our way to the dreaded lab for bloodwork.

The lab is set up like the DMV in the sense that you pull a number and an automated window with a subway voice says "Now calling number blah". I knew going into this that they were going to take a LOT of blood and I hate blood so I've been dreading this part. My number was called, and I was given a cup to pee in which I always mess up because I somehow do something wrong like get pee ON the cup or slosh pee out of the cup. I peed in my cup and thought "okay be very careful" and what do you know, the string to the hood on my jacket lands in my cup. I don't know how I always screw up peeing in a cup, but I left that bathroom with pee on my jacket, and probably remnants of jacket in my pee. I wonder if they will think I have some strange illness if there's fibers of cotton in there......

Next came the blood, and Matt came with me for that. I filled up EIGHT viles of blood! I was super rude to the tech I think and didn't look the entire time and just kept groaning and trying not to die. I lived. He put the tissue thingy on my arm and told me he hated his job (true story and he did not laugh when we did), and we were done!

I left at noon, so I was there right at 3 hours. An hour and a half of that was waiting, and the other hour and a half was what I actually came there for. Oh and we asked the utlrasound tech if it was normal to wait that long, and we ended up feeling like total assholes because she said the person before me did not have good news during her ultrasound, and her 15 minute appointment took an hour because they had to have doctors come in and counsel her for grieving and it turns out we were in the waiting room bitching the entire time. We are great people.

There's my first appointment in a nutshell! I go back in 7 days to get a physical and a pap smear....yaaaaaaaaay.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Pregnet farts.

Today marks 9 weeks! I can say that week 7 was better than week 6, week 8 was better than 7, and here's to hoping week 9 will be better than 8. I think I'm gradually getting over the morning sickness, which is a bullshit name for it because it's all day sickness. Hell to the yeah for almost being in the second trimester!

Since last week nothing has really changed, except for the beginning of--as Allissa's husband said on my wall when I found out I was pregnant: Pregnet farts.



Pregnet farts are no laughing matter. There is simply just not enough awareness or tolerance in this country for such a serious illness. Our children should be educated in school so that this issue is understood from the getgo, and the people who suffer from it will not have to live in fear or shame.

I have researched some statistics to share with you: 7 out of 4 pregnant women suffer from pregnet farts. Over 2,000 die each day. I hope that I have your attention now.

There is not enough awareness in our world about this very serious issue, and I would like to shed some light and some knowledge as a fellow sufferer and future survivor of pregnet farts. If you or a loved one suffer from pregnet farts, the first thing you need to do is understand that it is okay, and you will make it. If untreated, pregnet farts can leave you sleeping alone at night, or always having to drive in a car by yourself because no one will go anywhere with you. The illness can upset strangers, animals, and even people who love you.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, please talk to your doctor whlie there's still time: Hot gurgling in your stomach, a realization that you are about to expel a demon from your own body, the need to be near a toilet at all times, massive amounts of hot indescrible odor leaving you without your control, anger from everyone including dogs, isolation from everyone.

If you ever find yourself in that horrible moment where it happens in public and a stranger walks into it and they know you are to blame and you just have to pretend like you don't know what's going on, you are not alone. I am with you and we will find a cure.

Jessica Roberts, sufferer of pregnet farts.

On a much lighter note, here is a picture.

Monday, July 11, 2011

RELEASE THE CRACKEN...KRAKEN...

I've been too busy barfing to update this blog. I have thrown up rice, prenatals, quesadillas, candy, a tractor, some of Izzy's lost toys, and I found the exit strategy for Afghanistan but I threw up all over it.

During the last two weeks I've learned so much about puke. I used to cry when I threw up, and now I just try to talk as much as I can so I can hear my throw up voice. If you don't know your throw up voice, get in touch with your own index finger and make yourself puke. It is the funniest thing in the world and you can never duplicate it unless you are actually puking. I learned it on accident by yelling "WATERRRRRR" while puking, and I sounded like the Exorcist but only if the Exorcist was gurgling fire. It was AWESOME and it makes me laugh. So while I puke, I say things to myself. If you are ever in a restaurant bathroom and you hear vomit, followed by phrases that don't make sense and then giggles, say hi to me. It's like those people who talk while they burp to get cool burp words. Vomit words are one bajillion times crazier than burp words, and you're projecting something out of your body which makes a cooler effect. I have made a mental note to say "release the cracken" next time, and I know I want to say things about eating souls... I'll work on that. If anyone else has any suggesstions feel free. Vomit-voice is the upside to not keeping food down. And I don't think Matt's been more scared of anything in his life. I should record this.

Aside from the vomit, Matt thinks my boobs are bigger so that's cool. I crave everything sour, from Sour Patch Kids to Lemoade to Italian Ice to basically just pouring cat pee into my mouth. I just asked Matt "What's something sour but also disgusting" and that's what he suggested, so if you're wondering why I would think that's sour, take that up with him. He might have a childhood story for us in addition to "Booger wall".

I am constantly wondering what every little thing I do means as far as the sex of the baby. I've gotten morning sickness early = girl. I crave sour = boy. I did some test with a ring on a string and I got boy and girl = hermaphrodite.

Next Wednesday is my first ultrasound. Cross all your vaginas and penises that we do not have a hermaphrodite. Here's a picture or two!